I missed the “the party of the decade” on Friday because I had four hours of wrestling sessions on Saturday. A party with wild friends old and new, in one of my favourite venues, there was an after party in a warehouse too; DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY CUTE, DRUNK BOYS I COULD’VE DEMONSTRATED MY WRESTLING SKILLS ON THERE!? I’d have been in my element; DANCING AND WRESTLING (my favourite things) but I chose to miss my friend’s birthday party and its after party to be bright-eyed, bushy tailed for my sessions. As much stamina as I have; I am an all-or-nothing person, the party or the wrestling needed my full attention. There was a time, when I first came on the scene, that a friend’s big party came first to the wrestling.
I was late to sessions a couple of times, I even missed one. I also missed a shoot once because I was silly to accept the work a day after returning from my New York trip; jetlag really messed with me. I let a load of people down. I beat myself up so severely when I screwed up because I knew I was messing up the best fucking job I’d ever had. Sometimes, I took too much on: I’d have several sessions, was training hard at fight clubs, going to the gym, travelling around the world fighting on film, trying to deal with a very ill mother and I partied lots too for some release. When you take too much on, shit falls apart.
I had to make some changes; you see, I had never had a job I actually liked before, not like this. Not only does mixed wrestling make me feel euphoric afterwards but it keeps me disciplined. And nothing and nobody has EVER been able to control me, ever! You may have seen my Session Girls interview where I explain how I was rather out-of-control for many years, and the wrestling and training really changed my life in this respect. I finally had something to focus on, to work at. It was something productive in my life, finally, and, I could also be myself. Since I’ve put the wrestling first, things have started to work out so much more for me. I may have missed that awesome party on Friday but I gave four men the best sessions they said they’d ever had; and no feeling beats that.
I haven’t been late for a session or shoot for well over a year now, I’ve received nothing but glowing reviews and praise about my sessions and films. I know I have my faults. I can make Tweets that cause a bit of a stir; I can be cocky, brash, bold and I do often ever-so-slightly make fun out of the dominatrix world because I can’t stand the seriousness of it all, that rule book, I’d never make it as a domme; I just can’t keep a straight face for long enough. I’m a session wrestler. I love to wrestle with men. I don’t believe in ”female superiority” or “male scum” and I detest this third-wave feminism stuff and its damaging and decisive rhetoric.
Take everything I write with a pinch of psycho salt, a dash of fruit ‘n’ nut. My personal Facebook is wild because I am confident all my friends know me well, they do. My Twitter can be a bit ‘out there’, it’s just my style. I am in competition but it’s just a bit of fun and a means to better my work. In real life, in private and online, I praise and encourage others within the scene, male and female, and because I mean it. I’m no lemming though, I don’t follow the rules and I pretty much say and do what I want. I don’t care what people think of me if I talk about my own success, or failure, for that matter. I sure like it when my new review is better than the last, I get a buzz from it. I want my new film to be better than the one before it. I want others to overtake me so I can step-up my game and aim to improve my sessions, fights and films. There will always be wrestlers who are stronger, more skilled, more attractive, with bigger muscles than myself so when I win a scissor circle or when my clips gets to number one on Clips4Sale, I will yell about it. It doesn’t mean I think I am the greatest, it simply makes me momentarily happy as I haven’t won much in life. I know winning doesn’t mean you’re the best; Trump won and he’s the silliest little man we’ve all ever had the misfortune to lay eyes upon. I did win javelin at sports day once when I was fourteen, I won a Harley Davidson mug at a Hell’s Angel’s yard party last summer, and I won an air-guitar competition last night in a rock bar. Even if I win a t-shirt for “wrestler who tapped-out the most”, like I did last year at a Submission Room event, I still won at it and cheered loud. Fuck yeah. Pierre de Coubertin once said, “The important thing in life is not triumph, but the struggle; the essential thing is not to have conquered but to have fought well’’, I may have ‘tapped-out’ the most that day but I put on a damn great show and never pretended to be something I am not. Winning rocks and losing really doesn’t matter much as long as you’ve had fun. Maybe it’s “the struggle”, Pierre talked of that makes me so happy about winning because I struggle a lot in life because I feel things very intensely.
There will always be parties but there might not always be sessions, hopefully there will be sessions as long as I keep putting the wrestling first. Parties make me happy because I love to dress up, dance, flirt, be wild, free, see my incredible friends, celebrate life and wrestle cute drunk boys. My job is to kick ass and give my clients the best session I can possibly give them. It’s not just physically that I need to be present on the mats, it’s mentally and emotionally too. It’s a pretty epic job. Now, and for the last year or so, if I have a wrestling session or a shoot the next day, I am not going to the party; my wrestling comes first. I’m always early for sessions, I’m even a little obsessive about that now too which is why I often have to waste time and go sit in that cute little church near Submission Room to think about all the erotically brutal, sinful things I’m about to do to my wrestling client.