There was a poll on malevsfemale.org about my recent Prague fight. I’ve always hated polls. Meaningless and based upon nothing but opinion. There, before me, I saw that almost everybody predicted my defeat. As Scorpion explained to me “Amethyst, that doesn’t mean they all think you’re rubbish; it just means they all think your opponent is better.” Sure! She’s a professional gymnast, an Olympic winning one who’s also been training in wrestling for four years. Me, just nine months and the only thing I’m professional in is crowd surfing, but, no matter how much rationality you pump into me, I will always see this poll as a huge “Amethyst, you suck”, because that is the way my brain’s always worked. A few weeks later the poll evened out, still, my biggest battle isn’t on the mats; it’s in my head. And, YOU WERE ALL WRONG. The trampolining American didn’t win.
Thing is, I really think I could’ve won the majority of my fights if I’d had confidence. Without self-confidence I struggle on the mats. There was a point in mine and Jade’s fight where I told myself I could do so much better, I could go at least another 40%. So I did. That’s when I made her tap twice, once with a beautifully orchestrated Rear Naked Choke and once with a very nasty move that I’m not proud of; with both limbs trapped between my legs and one of her own arms over her mouth, she couldn’t tap or verbally submit. And that’s what happens when I try harder and get that rare little voice saying,“You can do so much better than this, you’re only going, like, 60%!”. I truly do feel like I was only going around 60% in my last fight with Miss Kay O, Desi and Jazzmania. I have the breaks on, for sure.
Some of you have suggested, perhaps I’m just naturally submissive with women. I certainly don’t like hurting other women and I scare myself when I let go and truly go for it, like I did half way through my fight against Jade at the last Submission Roomevent. Do I carry on wrestling at 60% in female vs female matches and lose, or do I go for it 100%, let go and potentially get a reputation for being a batshit-crazy, nasty wrestler who has her priorities all wrong? Mine and Sky Storm’s recent match had to stop (twice) because of my catfight-like behaviour. Now, I’m not at all saying I’d win if I do go for it at 100% but I’d certainly get more points. Maybe fem vs fem isn’t for me? I am predominantly a mixed wrestling session wrestler!! I do female vs female for the travel, the experience, the practice and the exposure. It’s mixed wrestling I love and do best.
I’ll tell you something (and I don’t believe this is “too private”, nor do I think there’s shame in opening up), I have a good story to tell so I’ll tell it because I like making people tick. Three years ago I was in a court room in front of a big screen being watched by not only myself but lawyers, jurors and a judge, on that screen was CCTV footage of me going 100%. I’VE NEVER BEEN MORE SCARED IN MY LIFE. That’s right, no man, no woman, no news headline, no nightmare has ever scared me more than watching myself right there on that screen, in that magistrates court. An unleashed, once caged, rabid, ferocious animal in full-attack mode (let me add; my victim deserved it and hundreds of people agreed). I left that court room victorious but since then I’ve had brakes placed upon my feistiness.
On that same thread, as this Fight Pulse fight poll, someone mentioned how one of my past opponents had “more control” and was a more calm wrestler. Well, yeeaah, of course! I’m not calm AT ALL, I’m over emotional and intense; if I was calm do you think I’d have so many electric reviews?!! Hell no! Calm is what you pay a masseuse for, not a mixed wrestler, c’mon! I look and sound like I’m fighting zombies in an apocalypse whilst my calm opponent hardly has any facial expressions at all. I may not win every fight but I have personality and facial expressions which would confuse the most sophisticated algorithms and accredited behavioural therapist and my struggle on the mats, inside my head, flooding out of my face will be worth paying for.
Cool, calm and collected will probably win the fight, ok, and if I was a professional MMA fighter I’d certainly want those attributes in the cage but I’m a mixed wrestler with a background in pole dancing and catfighting. It comes out on the mats. I wear sexy outfits and I’m a feisty whirlwind of colour, insecure and with daddy issues, just like any other stereotypical lapdancer. * I’m a little sensitive in the head, but physically, I have a very high threshold for pain, I’m hard as nails and will challenge any one of you to a pain contest! I have voluntarily put myself through painful experiences, though a hook suspension was absolutely nothing compared to dry socket, and those who’ve had that know it’s the worst pain known to man, and mixed wrestler. None of you really know where we came from, us female mixed wrestlers, but some of us were told “you can do it” from a young age and some of us were told “you’ll never amount to anything” and some of us were told nothing because there was nobody there, ever. Some of us grew up with the notion that winning and success is EVERYTHING, some of us figured having fun in everything we do was really how to do life, and that is why I currently roll around on mats with men who love it as much as I do. Fuck a 9-5. See, I found the key, and that’s sweat, sweat made between two fanatic people in a private padded room.
*I also have a First Class honours degree but I don’t like to go on about that too much as it’ll spoil my image of a street-fighting tearaway punk who screws authority and fucks your “cool, calm and collected” right up the ass.